Lauren Sykes | Beautifully Broken

seasons. . .

April 26, 2012 in brokenness, california, choices, duh., moving with 0 Comments

you never know when a season is going to end.

life can change with a call.

an email.

a text.

a glance.

change cannot be anticipated. it almost always comes as a surprise. tornado tearing through the unsuspecting town of our hearts.

so wherever you find yourself today,

soak it in.

spend more time outside. thank God for the annoyances. praise Him for the good that is coming. tell Him how beautiful the sunset is. how much you love the ocean. and how grateful you are for the souls that He’s intermingled into your story.

soak in the good the bad and the ugly of this season. because today could quite possibly be the last day you get to enjoy it.

for me, i am spending extra moments on the trails. allowing the icy pacific to tickle my toes. face turned toward the southern california sun. i am opening my sunroof, rolling down my windows, enjoying the view of the mountains as i sit in endless traffic. thanking God for rain that turns mountains to snowcaps. and clears the air over the pacific. allowing catalina and the seemingly endless ocean come into view.

i am thanking him for people. those i like and those i don’t. because the truth is they all have something to teach. and i’m ever ready to learn. intent on living this season to the fullest if does indeed end tomorrow.

today is a gift.

. . .and i’m determined to enjoy it.

my insecurity won today. . .

April 24, 2012 in brokenness, choices, courage, faith, lies., spiritual warfare with 1 Comment

my insecurity won today.

in a miscommunicated appointment

a missed callback.

changed schedule.

it won in the mirror and the dressing room. it held me back from fun and pushed those i love most away. it almost kept me in my couch. but with a force beyond what my flesh could muster my limbs were peeled off the couch and into leggings. as i glanced in the mirror defeat was etched along the lines on my face. battle weary on my sleeve. afraid of the piercing eyes of those who know me. realizing a hug may shatter my bravado.

Shekinah glory met me first.

wind blowing into the barren chambers of my heart. destroying cobwebs and bringing me to my knees. before knowing looks pierced deep seeing the hurt and pain.

i’m where i’m supposed to be. again broken. spotlight illuminating edges that would pierce for a lifetime if left unattended. unhealed. bringing to light the places literally killing me. illuminating mis-truths borne deep in my heart. . .

many days i don’t feel beautiful.

i don’t feel loved. or lovable.

i don’t feel as if i will ever be enough.

i cannot imagine how friends, much less a man, could ever sign up for me. my heart is cracking and breaking. and at times i’m unsure if anyone sees, hears, or cares. yet i’m stupid enough to push away those close enough to see.

i am scared to be known.

because if i again find myself known then rejected, i am certain my scarred heart won’t survive. and i’ll find myself in the familiar desert.

alone.

starving.

and broken.

. . .my insecurity won today, but tomorrow i’m telling it the truth

beautiful.

broken.

loved.

enough.

i call her grace. . .

February 14, 2012 in choices, courage, Family, friends, grace with 2 Comments

as her heart breaks she overflows grace. heart shattered by the actions of another. yet still. . .

hoping.

believing.

knowing.

her Jesus is for her.

i call her grace.

as she fights and struggles. not knowing the answers but knowing the Author. knees calloused. cheeks tearstained. heart open.

i call her grace.

as her ashes turn to beauty. heart thriving in the tension of devastation and His forthcoming healing. she can’t see it but it’s there. heart-soil tilled with hard. seed planted with roots growing deep.

i call her grace.

as she is wronged again. unfair overwelming. she chooses Jesus. preferring injustice for herself in favor of His best. laying desires down in exchange for mercy, grace, and forgiveness.

i call her grace.

as she locks arms with me in my hard. in spite of the storm raging in the depths of her heart. she chooses to stay awhile. through the good, the bad, the happy, and sad.

she is. . .

grace.

sister.

friend.

who is grace to you?

not giving up. . .

January 17, 2012 in brokenness, california, choices, friends, moving, pain, suffering with 6 Comments

‘what are you giving up on that you shouldn’t be?’

words escaping from my pastors lips as He whispered in my heart.

california.

giving up on my life here. on cultivating relationships and building community. throwing in the towel on this season. making the excuse that it isn’t home. that i’ll never fit into the plastic mold that seems to be the norm. heart desiring the comfort and ease of home. looking back to my holiday and coveting the ease of being me.

i’ve spent thousands of dollars in counseling getting comfortable with who He created me to be.

but all it takes is stepping off a plane to revert back into so many insecurities. insecurities i believed had been healed.

living as a watered down version of me is exhausting. but even though i see it, i can’t stop it. desiring acceptance and assimilation with the culture. yet knowing i was never meant to blend in to the background. . .

i’ve always been made to stand out.

a trait i’ve always loved. a unique story. intermingled with perspective birthed through seasons of great pain and suffering. a lover of different. but here i stand. trying to fit into a plastic mold. becoming the proverbial status quo.

wondering how to translate the comfortable me that twirls, dances, and runs into life east of the mississippi to this coast.

i need to fight. for relationship and those He’s placed in my path. cultivating the soil of the present. eyes fixed on the now.

the truth is community doesn’t come instantly. and the comfort of community i feel at home took twenty-something years to establish. complete with blood, sweat, and our fair share of tears.

knowing if/when the time comes to head home i will have lived this season for all it’s worth. . .

. . .better prepared for the next right step.

i’m going to pass the question on to you. . .

what are you giving up on that you shouldn’t be?

{one word} wait. . .

January 12, 2012 in brokenness, choices, faith, obedience, one word. with 2 Comments

choosing my oneword for 2012 has been hard. but not for the reasons you may suspect. i’ve known my word’s name for weeks. fighting it as His choice after the journey i’ve taken with courage. knowing that declaring the word He’s whispered may indeed mean a journey i’m not yet ready for.

wait.

my own personal four letter word. found in the crux of the verse He gave my parents for me at birth.

but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.
-isaiah 40.31

truth i love to hate. mind refusing to accept that maybe for the next 365 days, God is asking me to wait. . .

on Him.

for Him.

with Him.

gently nudging my heart to sit down. as he washes my feet. humbling a heart that loves nothing more than control. next steps known. complete with a blueprint.

waiting has implied it’s a state of doing nothing. but that’s the furthest thing from the truth.

waiting isn’t apathetic. it’s active.

my past 365 days required courage to begin healing. it is now time to be still awaiting completion. wounds casted and stitched. but now requiring time. growing stronger where broken. and the length of mending my broken bones isn’t packaged in a pretty six weeks with a stinky cast.

taking a deep breath and ceasing my striving. looking and finding contentment in the now instead of reaching towards the next best thing. watering the dusty ground of my heart. allowing the me He’s created to root deep and grow. cultivating the details my story, heart turning towards His light for what’s next.

racing ahead, wind blowing hurricane-force into the future will uproot the shoot sprouting from the broken earth of my heart. it’s time to prepare the fields. . .

. . .knowing He will bring the rain.

what is your oneword? has the Lord ever called you to a season of wait?

i’m not alone. . .

January 10, 2012 in Uncategorized with 3 Comments

he bid me goodbye. helping me to curbside check-in with my bags. and even though it’s the millionth time i’ve flown solo, lonely overwhelmed. building as i walked through security as a party of one and took a seat in the far corner. collapsing into my chair, lonely transformed into the lie. . .

alone.

spotlight shining upon unfulfilled desires of my heart. reminding of the empty instead of the full. heart yearning for

so. much. more.

knowing that the lie of ‘more’ will batter an already bruised heart.

i grabbed my bags as my fellow passengers lined up in twos. i had a choice. . .would i lament the empty or praise for the full? i praised. because any other choice leads to an ungrateful, entitled heart. the last thing i want.

this Christmas i may have felt lonely for a moment, but i’m not alone. there is full for which to praise.

family excitedly waiting with open arms.

friends i call family.

Him alone.

. . .love, deep rich and pure, spanning both coasts.

has lonely ever overwhelmed your heart? did you choose praise {or too often like me} choose to focus on the empty?

{five minute friday} roar. . .

January 6, 2012 in courage, five minute fridays with 4 Comments

it’s been a while, but i’m linking up today with my friend, lisa-jo. on friday’s over at her place, we write for five minutes. unedited, raw, real, and quick.

today’s prompt: roar

{GO}

courage is likened with that of a lion. burrowing deep. mirrored in the confidence observed in silence. knowing that if the time comes he will roar.

deep.

confident.

rooted in strength. roar assuming victory.

as courage has burrowed deep in the soil of my heart, my roar remains shaky. voice trembling as i assert victory He has guaranteed. confidence blowing away as tumbleweed on the prairie.

for some reason i seem to miss what the lion understands. he sees and knows his strength while i do not. i see my weakness magnified and view my strength as shrinking. instead viewing my heart through blinders ridden with pessimism.

but its time to remove the blinders. roar loud and deep, courage building. sure rooted. seeing clearly the strength He has built. . . .

. . .believing victory sure.

{STOP}

do you ever question the strength of your roar?