words escaping from my pastors lips as He whispered in my heart.
giving up on my life here. on cultivating relationships and building community. throwing in the towel on this season. making the excuse that it isn’t home. that i’ll never fit into the plastic mold that seems to be the norm. heart desiring the comfort and ease of home. looking back to my holiday and coveting the ease of being me.
i’ve spent thousands of dollars in counseling getting comfortable with who He created me to be.
but all it takes is stepping off a plane to revert back into so many insecurities. insecurities i believed had been healed.
living as a watered down version of me is exhausting. but even though i see it, i can’t stop it. desiring acceptance and assimilation with the culture. yet knowing i was never meant to blend in to the background. . .
i’ve always been made to stand out.
a trait i’ve always loved. a unique story. intermingled with perspective birthed through seasons of great pain and suffering. a lover of different. but here i stand. trying to fit into a plastic mold. becoming the proverbial status quo.
wondering how to translate the comfortable me that twirls, dances, and runs into life east of the mississippi to this coast.
i need to fight. for relationship and those He’s placed in my path. cultivating the soil of the present. eyes fixed on the now.
the truth is community doesn’t come instantly. and the comfort of community i feel at home took twenty-something years to establish. complete with blood, sweat, and our fair share of tears.
knowing if/when the time comes to head home i will have lived this season for all it’s worth. . .
. . .better prepared for the next right step.
i’m going to pass the question on to you. . .
what are you giving up on that you shouldn’t be?