it’s not fair.
he doesn’t deserve it.
you’ll look weak.
yet my spirit fought back. ripping the tape strip and firmly securing the package closed. reminding my heart that sometimes obedience hurts and grace is hard. where forgiveness is concerned, the heart change is often only the beginning. becoming a stepping stone for obedience that rips an already scarred heart open bleeding hard grace.
i’ve spent the past twenty-something years adopting the theology that if i followed all the rules i’d be blessed. white picket fence, happily married after college, two point five children, and a mini-van. but here i am. rule-following, goody-two-shoes living on the other side of the painful unexpected. finding myself just shy of two years later continuing to lean into the splintering edges of the cross. while my flesh wants nothing more than to run away at breakneck speed.
but i am beginning to understand. to taste in the slightest manner what it must’ve felt like for our Jesus.
going to the cross when it wasn’t fair.
the last thing He deserved.
on display in the ultimate perceived weakness.
but when he appeared weakest, body splintered and pierced, He was strongest. and i’m starting to wonder if in the weakness of my splintered skin and scarred heart that isn’t where i am strongest as well.
wondering if maybe i’ve been wrong my whole life. and if maybe my best life now isn’t a lily white story drowning in perceived ‘blessings’ but rather a leaning in. painful as it may be. ugly as it may appear. and in my weakness desperately choosing obedience. bleeding the hard grace. and knowing at the end of the day
He is the blessing. . .
. . .and ‘happily married, 2.5 kids’ will just be the icing on the cake.
have you ever experienced the pain of the hard grace?